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Will thier be childcare at the revolution?

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21st December 2011

2:39pm: Where my loyalists at?
Facebook killed the Livejournal star...

20th December 2011

5:02pm: 1) Was 2011 a good year for you? Wow. Hmmmmm, sure it was. In the sense that it wasn't a bad year for me it was a good year. It has been internally tumultuous.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year? My best friends wedding day!

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? All the tears I've made a true love shed. Brutal goodbye to what cannot be.

4) Where were you when 2011 began? At home in Honolulu, it was non eventful.

5) Who were you with? My son and my husband.

6) Where will you be when 2011 ends? No plans yet but this year I hope to make some.

7) Who will you be with when 2011 ends? I'm not sure. Good people whom I love Im sure.

8) What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? Nothing. Ew to my year. Blasé!

9) Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I didn't. Redo. I'm all done with stagnancy.

10) Did anyone close to you give birth? My sister in law had her first child. A baby girl. Her name is Anika.

11) Did anyone close to you die? Not in 2011. However I did set a true love free. It counts.

12) Did you travel outside of the US in 2011? Not in over a decade.

13) How many different states did you travel to in 2011? 2. Cali and Hawaii.

14) What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? Internal locust focused

16) What was your biggest achievement of the year? Manifesting my dream job.

17) What was your biggest failure? Weight gained and depression. I'm clawing my way up.

18) Did you suffer any illness or injury? Only mental.

19) What was the best thing you bought? New ink, sleeve almost done.

20) Whose behavior merited celebration? Certainly not mine. My sons super rad, everything he does merits celebration.

21) Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own! Fuck. Its been a quietly rough year.

22) Where did most of your money go? Life! Nothing spectacular, some good ganja... Some fresh ink.

23) What did you get really, really, really excited about? My beautiful best friend got married! My job includes university credits to finish my masters degree! My credit card debt soooo close to gone.

24) What song will always remind you of 2011? Lotus Flower, Radiohead

25) Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Happier, believe it or not, last year was worse. I'm all done. Life's too short to let it linger.
ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner.
iii. richer or poorer? Same, but debt disappearing so.... I guess richer.

26) What do you wish you'd done more of? Honesty with myself. Where the fuck have I been hiding?

27) What do you wish you'd done less of? Moping

28) How will you be spending Christmas? With my three favorite dudes. My husband, father, and son.

29) Did you fall in love in 2011? No, the love is.

34) Did you breakup with anyone in 2011? Yes.

35) How many one-night stands? *snort laugh*

37) Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? No hate. No need.

38) Did you make any new friends in 2011? Sure did. And I'm letting people in next year, it's takes conscious choice for me to do that. I've met a few souls that I really like and want to know better!

40) What was your favorite month of 2011? This one. December. It's deep and releasing. March was delicious too, went to Cali and spent time with my best friends, my sistren, oh sweet Goddess I miss my girls so much.

41) Did you miss anybody in the past year? Indeed, my soul and body and joy miss she who I let myself fall in love with and now must let myself let go.

42) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2011? If anyone lied to me this last year I am non the wiser. Quite frankly I've had enough of all this honesty! Lol!

43) Did you treat somebody badly in 2011? Utmost care, and still. I'm trying to heal the hearts I have hurt. Gotta start with my own.

44) Did somebody treat you badly in 2011? No. Life has been rough but I have no blame to cast.

45) What was your greatest musical discovery? M Ward, Tegan and Sara. A reconnect with Pearl Jam.

46)) Did you have a favorite concert in 2011? Definitely Little Dragon!!!

47) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2011? not really, I often feel over it. In times of celebration I'm down but drinking has organically become rare for me in 2011... Unconsciously.

48) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2011? Only in March. :) Fiasco, lol... Nothing I'd not done before.

49) What did you do on your birthday? My husband baked me a liliqoi cake and it was divinity! Went out for Sushi with my son and my husband. During the day, I had my final day at my previous job. It was surreal.

50) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? I've been digging Threadless tees. Lol. I've bought clothes this year that I hope fit soon. Such a strange thing to do I know.

51) What kept you sane? I'm working on it.
3:14pm: Then came me

8th September 2008

11:09pm: Waimanalo Sea Bird Blues
Birds cry overhead like violins seek the novelty of dissonance.

Waves roll to toed tips like gentle hands seek affirmation of submission.

Breezes blow through loose locks unlike the dreaded masterpieces, since chopped, since mourned...
seeking lessons not forgotten.

Birds, waves, breeze,
the audience passively chosen for this time spent
missing you.

Effortless they cry...
with pride plumped persistence they roll...
As certain as my breath they blow...

missing you
missing you

The dissonance humbles my stable footing,
my grounded solace.
The dissonance challenges me in its permeating valiant effort to
push me through these sounds of cries
my own
his and hers
these birds overhead
...there is strength in the sound,
strength in the unknown harmony sought,
coaxing me onward like an ancient rhythm of recognition.

Submission to letting go of all I desperately cling to.
The desperation a symptom, a symptom of my innermost fear magnified.
Submission to the Enigma, force, pull
proving to BE much bigger than WE
and resulting from the gentlest of hands rolling upon my soles, my soul, like these waves.
coaxing me in...
in to dive deeply as she crashes over my head surrounding me in sea foam with a force
threatening to knock me back
suck me down
until I submit and rise on the other side
TRUSTING the current.
Let it be
Let it lift me up and raise me forth to where we will breath.

Caught up in the midst of emotion, like a breeze passing through
over and over again...
As what I perceive to be a need,
shifts and shakes through me.
Through me, caressing my limbs
my skin
my ache
with the taste I sampled slowly
yet too too quick...
it lingers on my tongues novel tip...
It salts my sweat as it pours...
It flavors this fantastic search on my way to her.
Wanting only to be caught up.
Current Mood: lonely
9:23pm: ache

I miss you today.
I miss you miss you miss you from my fucking CORE today.

5th September 2008

10:22am: feeling good
sunset swim tonight. Breathtaking, warm, orange, luminosity.

Followed by amazing thai food and mango sorbet.

5:42am: majical feet...
Anxiously awaiting the results of my urinalysis to see if the job I just got will be mine to keep...

Stellar interview
solid in my theory
communication skills and presentation skills, Im a natural
empathy for the human experience required to mentor and teach children and adults.... I got that.
Understanding of social construct, literacy as a means to empowerment, the value of culture and sustainability of a cultures customs...Im in love with these things.
Well one slice really.
But a huge slice.
I recognize my access to power and I have every intention of utilizing that power for change. Social change. Native Hawaiian Social Change.

This IS the perfect job for me and I am the one they want.

Trouble is?

I am, in fact, a recreational marijuana smoker.
So we'll see what comes of it all.
I took my peepee shee shee test yesterday and today I went in, off the clock, to be present on the first day of the Na Pono No Na Ohana family education program in Waimanalo as the face of the new Early Education Specialist (thats my fancy title).
My supervisor hugged and kissed me, put a sticker on my shirt that read, "auntie Valley", and did not mention the results of my urinalysis.

I have only smoked two times this month because, DUH, I don't have a job...
ya know?
None the less, I should FAIL because well... 2 times is... TWO TIMES.

I figure if I dont hear from them tomorrow then they are not concerned about pakalolo OR some magical feat of er... angels somehow caused my test results to be inaccurate.

3rd September 2008

9:26pm: Geuss who moved home to Hawaii????
Yep thats right ladies and gents and those not defined by body or gender,


Its strange and then some.
Overall good, it takes a while though, to sink into a new place... and I am not on Kauai which was my home, I am on the island of Oahu which is an entirely different culture.  So essentially now I miss Kauai and I miss LA.

I just finally got a job, stepping it up as the Early Education Specialist for PID Hawaii's Na Pono No Na Ohana family education program in Waimanalo.  I will be working within the Native Hawaiian community focusing on Literacy (SOCIAL ACTION UUUUUUUuuuuuuunnnngh!) and overall family empowerment.

I am stoked.
Expertise recognized.

Life is all about change people, for me, in general, all about it.

I fell in love with an amazing woman before leaving LA and I am riding it out in hopes that a path back to her shows itself.  Straight up I will plant my soles in that direction.  But for now its really complicated and I am just trying to approach it with honesty.
Honesty for myself.
Honesty for my husband.
Honesty for her.

I hope all are well.

11th May 2008

11:45pm: Integrity has won over desire...
so far. So far.

10th May 2008

3:41am: integrity wins everytime.
Maybe I do pass through this feeling fairly freely
and I promise you its with joy and fantasy laden.
Maybe I indulge in fantasy and therefore crush often and sweetly in passing.
A crush on the human spirit and how it radiates in each of us and manifests as we are

and maybe you are one of them
and maybe some eclipse off the light which reflects off of the mirrors we uphold
hold up.

Maybe, just maybe, some linger and resurface.
what I really want to know is how that makes you feel.
To be one of them.
Suddenly so.

And then just maybe you would like to know the rest.
And maybe not.

straight STITCHIN'
Get it from my momma.

9th May 2008

7:19am: early in the morning
sprinklers watering grass, dirt, and concrete.
Shankara wide eyed awake and still on the bed mesmerized by the visual.

in the zone.

Today I hope to find out, once and for all, if my family will be returning to Hawaii.
Limbo is over which is good because it hurts my spine and my mind.

I have been waiting for 13 years to go back home and today I will know if its my time.
I think its my time.

Until we know its all systems go for JUST ANOTHER DAY.
Happy Aloha Friday.

I hope this morning, click clacking on live journal, is the return to this place.
I have tried a few times to come back to this home and so far it has remained short and sweet.

I would really like to stay
feel drawn to spew freely and anonymously.

well fairly anonymously.

12:42am: I am and I always have been
present in my absence.

Live journaling in my head if you will.


4th December 2006

10:34pm: I Miss MyDreads...
What the fuck was I thinking? I am split down the middle... I am happy that THOSE dreads are gone because they came with such a heavy loss attached to them and a huge emotional wieght. But I miss having dreads. So much work and time and touch and perceptual rocking experiences were dreaded into them... I am bummed they are gone. I knew I would be. Impulses are a dangerous thing. 16 months. fuckin A

26th November 2006

7:29pm: I love minty shampoo
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14 months of dreading the locks and its come to this...
in a moment of pure impulsive authenticity of self...
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yes I wept...
The rocking jolting humbling experience began in honor of a true love lost and then became more personal than I ever could have forseen.
weeding out the weeds...
Testing the boundaries of perceptions.
humbling myself completely.
The maintenence was more than with any other hair that has loomed on my head.
The pain involved far surpased any ink laden needle that has graced my skin.
The nakedness of my core self has never been so exposed.
The irritation ... the joy
perfect balance.

I was done with it all today. I had been pondering it for some time now... I have been going back and forth for about a month about shaving them or not to shave them. Loving both ideas. Proving something to myself each time I fought the urge to cut them over the last 14 months. An odd sense of undefinable pride like I had something to prove however I am not sure that I did.
I suddenly realized that I did not need it to be paralleled by a symbolic event or day or time period marking by which the time would be seen as right. Simply by acting and by dong it I created the symbolism. Today was the day in deed. Girish back combed them and Girish chopped them too.
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I feel light.
I feel like it was the right choice.
I know who I am.
I am solid in this body, beneath my skin, I transcend all the boxes... without a reason. Simply because I AM.

I feel happy.
Some of those babies were fucking fat and nattynatty tight.
~Me Ke Aloha Ke Akua~

30th September 2006

6:43pm: Whoever said that life was suffering must have had thier finger on the pulse of joy. Aint the power of transcendence the greatest to employ?

10th September 2006

7:25pm: cha cha cha
30 years old officially! I spent my birthday with a high fever and ridiculous stomach discomforts and many a many a many a trip to the bathroom.... And I had to go to work till I could not stand it. That is had to be guilt.... Had to by a choice to feel guilty.
Shitty birthday.



The weekend beforehand in San SImeon, camping under the stars with some of my dearest dearest loves was most most excellent!
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psst hui hui!Collapse )

24th August 2006

1:19am: That'd be THREE X TEN
I will be thirty years old in 15 days. It has nearly been thirty years since September seventh in 1976 when my mother bore me into the hands of my father in a little house in Hilo.
here it comes.

I think I'm okay?!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Current Mood: contemplative

15th August 2006

11:30am: usage
I must turn of this computer and go utilize my time since I stayed home from work today with I confess, half my health.
No more LJ.
No more My space.
The only thing I should be submerging myself in is The Adult Years at Pacific Oaks College library in preparation for my upcomming and FINAL semester prior to BA!!!! One more semester and then I am no longer a student.

My degree is in Human Development with an emphasis in Social Change.
Remember the name...
I have every intention of rocking the boat so hard that it results in exhile... haha!

Here I go.
Current Mood: determined

13th August 2006

9:16pm: The end of another weekend....
Today was a lovely day in Long Beach....
Current Mood: good
2:55am: Shankara Pale Kai
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Current Mood: tired

12th August 2006

11:08pm: stiff necked fools
I dont take good pictures because I have the kind of beauty that moves.
Current mood: indescribable

To no one in particular and for everyone who has ever wasted there time on vocalizing how pretty I could be if....
if what....?
C'mon I dare you!!!
I am not your average beauty... And I dont give two shits about your shallow perception of who I am or what you think I deserve as dependant on what you see when you look at me... look through me. It matters not that I dont fit the mold of what you learned and relearned and relearned and had drilled into you that beauty was supposed to look like...

I once existed in a funk that dwelled beneath my bare toes like Na Pali Coast mud that seeped through the cracks in my calloused feet leaving its colored smear on my pale skin for weeks post the invigorating 11 mile trek home.... This funk loomed beneath me for most of my life until I found the courage to let it go... to laugh at the vanity that did not recognize the beauty of someone like me. In essence to shed the shroud...
I would give my all to you if you could just be true and humble yourself to be seen with someone like me despite the heads that may turn... Are you scarred? Are you fucking that weak?
Ive come to the conclusion that I turn heads everyday for better or for worse... in both admiration and in utter repulsion at the manner by which ones perception of me rowks what they have been taught.

If there is one thing that I am sure of when it comes to this physical body ... This overt obvious version of me.... the one that you cant help but see...
the one that makes you thinks that you know....

Do you even know who I am?
Sometimes I have the urge in my mind as I am having one of those "what I could have said moments after a confrontation with someone, to play the card of one of those talk show geusts who get up out of thier chair, pull down thier booty shorts and start screaming to the audience "You dont know me!" Except I really dont want to make it that simple for you, I sure as hell dont wear booty shorts, and I would rather keep the emotional response in my head and heart while articulating something incredibly affective like: ""I am not what you expected am I? Tell me a bit about these expectations... Or, ... "Just wait untill the reprive!"

But thats not always my stregnth... Like my son I am impulsive, like my mother I run deep, like my father I have the ability to give and take to such a degree that I will never cross you... I will let you think what you think and say what you say without for a moment stepping in the way of your OWN discovery of what an asshole you are... or can be...
The path of your evolution is not at all up to me...
But unlike my son I am three decades long and my ability to curb my urge is remarkably strong.
Unlike my mother the depths of my most deep are not shackled by corkskrews, flasks, 6 packs and whatever is cheap.
Unlike my father I will say what I must not for your evolution in this life but for my own "My tattoos are my stretch marks. See where Ive grown?."

I am humbled by sunsets, my hindsight is keen and I am honoring all the stregnths that yet remain unseen.

...and Im not looking in mirrors to uncover thier existance because I never look the same from day to day, from mirror to mirror... I feel that my face is always a wee bit distorted or maybe thats just the way I manifest.... However you slice it the mirrir in my mind that shows me the reflection of my very own face, my body, my stomach that housd my son, the fall of my arms, the shade of my multicolored skin.... none of it looks like it does in my mind in the mirror...

Some of this is from a lifetime of experiences, for better for worse in this exterior and some of them are because I believe that mirrors are fucking distorted. I believe it is both... Maybe 50 50 ... or possibly 62 - 38 ..... Or some combination there of....

However you slice it I cant trust any image of me that I see because it slows me down, drages me back into that funk that I WALK UPON... AT LEAST IM ABOVE IT... I start to believe it. ANd thats when its dangerous. Once my feet become caked with the thick oozing kalalau soil the ti leaf gets wraped around my hair for added balance and my steps must glide for fear of slipping onto my ass.
"Walk like your not even there" I remind myself...
Walk like your not even fucking there and eaze on past the funk.

So thats what I am doing one step at a time...
So I tell you my friend, that I really do not mind the way you percieve me when you analyze beauty. Just dont get angry if I flash you a smile in your fucking shallow stiff necked moment.

You cant catch this shit with a lense... SUCKA!!!!
Current Mood: annoyed
8:36pm: another vow....
Okay... I just read old entries and came to a revalation... I cannot be this raw on myspace... I know everypone...
Sniff sniff
I smell the aroma of a new commitment to this space...
8:06pm: So... I myspace a lot now....

It at first served an entirely different purpose than Live Journal once did for me... and hasnt needed to be served lately. Blogging. Revelling. My space for me is a way tohook up with people who are tangible and touchable presently or in an earlier, often forgotten, life chapter. But then I started blogging on it and have been back into writting some stream of consciousness daily jaunts and haunts on MYSPACE basically daily. Like once happened on Live Journal. If anyone wants to find me there and reconnect I am tatooed mama.
I do miss many of you truly and just cant imagine posting the same stuff in two places.

But hey... I can try it I suppose.

Let me know if you miss me...
I am craving the ego boost.


Im playin'... kind of....
I have dreadlocks now.

long time no touch base eh?Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

15th May 2006

11:08pm: worst, best, and longest....
1. Worst damage you ever took in a fight?
One fight... Some jaw damage that I am reminded of when I yawn or sing sorprano. I also got a bloody nose in that fight and a reality check to expect the unexpected.

2. Most money you ever owed Credit Card Company
I owe a little less than 10 grand right now but it's multiple credit cards (wedding). I think the highest on one card was 5 grand maxed out before I starrted paying it off.

3. Last time you got kicked out of a bar?
I have never been kicked out of a bar, or anything. I have been kicked out of hotel jaccuzzi's actually.

4. Longest time you slept in a car?
the whole hideous night.

5. Most f*cked up nickname you've ever been given?
mmmmmm.... I am sure there were some real fucked up ones that never invaded my ears. I have blocked it all out I suppose because I cannot think of one and I know there were some. Chad Miller used to call me Bali Hai but whatever thats not at all fucked up now is it?

6. Worst job you ever had?
Foodland in Princeville as a Deli clerk. Fuck that! Deep frying shit and cutting meats for people. Plus my shifts started at 6.

7. Shortest job you've ever had?
One day as a substitute for Culver City school district. This was one day after weeks of paper work. I was over it.

8. Longest romantic relationship?
10 years plus and going strong.

9. Shortest romantic relationship?
There were a few one night stands that were sexual in nature only and the friendship sustained. A couple of them still do. But RELATIONSHIP.... two way try it out lovins.... Vince Garcia for about a week. I felt like I was kissing my cousin. I loved him too much to risk that. AND I got all hot and heavy for Logan at that time.

10. Food that you would eat until you puked?
ice cream or Kalalau mangos

11. Food that even looking at makes you puke?

12. What music saved your life?
Johnette Napolitano who sang for Concrete Blonde... Saved my fucking life!

13. Person you miss the most in the world?
Sage and my mama in no particular order.

14. Worst movie you've ever seen?
So so so so so so so many! Um, one would be Cabin by the lake part II

15. Best movie you've ever seen?
Natural Born Killers or Kill Bill

16. Movie you really want to see?
An American Haunting because I HEARD about it. I am not exposed to previews only personal accounts of what was seen.

17. Ever almost die?
I can think of a few taunts.... But never like, on a hospital bed half dead ... seen the light ... reserection stylee...
Just your average, Girish asleep at the wheel and woke up half on the street and half on the divider. Milisecond later we would be dead. Frying in huge surf at secrets, that sort of shit.

18. Ever fight a member of the opposite sex?
I punched a boy who had a crush on me in the sixth grade. I think his name was Gaylord.

19. Best place you have ever lived?
A toss up between infancy in Kalalau and Summers at my dad's Wainiha hale 10 years ago.

20. Worst place you have ever lived?
Pasadena... and it wasnt too bad in retrospect. The aparrtment is what fucking sucked! Fuck that cockaroach brewery.

21. Bad habit you have?
Assuming people get the context of what I am rambling about. Another would be NOT EXERCISING!

22. Noise that makes you want to punch people?
Noise levels dont really phase me. When people blare there horns while they drive irrationally I dont want to PUNCH them but I do want to laugh and eeeeek the shit out of them. This urge fades as I age. I am learning to smile at all the circumstances in which people's egos swear that THEY ARE RIGHT!!! Its fascinating to me really.

23. Your favorite tattoo?
My favorite tattoo.... on my body.... I love all of them. They all represent something beautiful to me as they serve to preserve qualities of my self that have since evolved... OR as they remind me of loves I have had that have evolved out of the land of the living. Each one is a testament to my culture, history, and growth. I look forward to the tribal mermaid on the underside of my sleeve in progress.... I geuss my favorite tattoo is the one I have not thought of yet.

24. Least favorite tattoo?
None of mine qualify.

26. Most money you have ever spent on a single meal?
Not sure.... over a hundred bucks or so. MMMMM unless you count catering the wedding that was about 7000.

27. Best gift you ever got?
My child on Christmas 2001

28. Best pet you ever had?
BooBoo kitty RIP

29. Ever run from the cops?
Yes in my dihatsu at Lumahi. I out drove him and parked stealth like behind the Lumahi pine trees as he passed towards Wainiha and then eventually passed back towards Hanalei. I cockily pulled out and headed home to Wainiha and he caught up with me at the double bridges. Somehow I talked my way out of a ticket though.... Thanks KPAC!

30. Money or love
Love love love!
"You can get the money you can get the power, keep your eyes on the final hour."
Current Mood: exhausted
2:24pm: what I have been thinking about (and studying) while away
ignorance is well fed by this constructed society we live in. It is the ultimate challenge to find bouts for achieving social action when most of us are either consumed by survival... or if survival comes easy for some of us it is often replaced by the dangling carrot syndrom... "If I put all of my faith and effort into my PERSONAL (read egocentric) interests then I can have more more MORE>>>> In reality I feel that television and mass media consumer culture rob us of our ability to ever get there while at the same time acts to falsely convince us that it is possible to break through the glass cieling of access that looms above most of our heads, some of us more than others (read: white privilage).

I think a lot of people shy away from consciousness and social change action and/or dialogue because we want immediate results and quick fixes when really these things take multiple generations to impact society on an evolutionary level. While it might be depressing for us because of our societies tendency towards instant gratification, It is our small stones that build mountains. We are all but one in a sea of millions who daily confront thier individual choices with either dedicated integrity or human nature induced apathy because it all seems like too much when you look at the big picture. Baby steps keep us sane but are hard to accept. I will never make a worthy wage as a preschool fucking PROFESSIONAL!!!! who has spent thousands upon thousands for the education I empower myself with mentally and only make $12.36 an hour with.... NONE THE LESS I will never stop working with this system to change that reality.... ever.

If I seem angry... Its not anger. In fact the deeper I find myself within this consciousness raising self that has been nurtured my whole life the more empathy I find myself having for varrying perspectives and those of us who do not have an investment in social political issues. I am not mad at people and this has not always been the case. I used to feel pity/disgust/superiority even towards people who were ignorant... I dont mean people who felt differently then me but people who Choose to remain ignorant and unaware. This anger has shifted into an understanding for why this reality exists for many people in this country. It is the system, the construct, not the individual that is to blame. However once you tap in... once you honor the realities of classism and all the other isms and schisms thet shapee our reality then you become accountable. Maybe you need more time to question identity and slowly go through the process of growth. For some it may never evolve out of a personal growth (which is so important) and to many it will become a harmonious reflection of the political embracing the personal. Because it exists as such. Deny it as you must... there comes a point where not allowing yourself to feel it makes you accountable for it.

The myopia is deep here in America. We wre founded as such. Racism was created by laws inacted by white political leaders when the black slaves and the Irish immigrants started sharing beers, making babies, and talking revolution. That powere was frightful to those with the acess to the power at the time.
Social constructs are embedded in the fabric of this country. I am not talking about prejudace based on bias and the cognitive nature to categorize.... that is something entirely different.
Does anyone feel me?
talk to me please!
Current Mood: busy
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